Mastering 'Mom Guilt'

“Why did my child do that?”

“What did I do to make them behave this way?”

“Will my child be able to become all God has for him/her?”

“Is it my fault that my adult child has walked away from God?”

“Why did I react that way?”

If you have ever heard these questions run through your head, you have experienced ‘Mom Guilt’.  In order to conquer ‘Mom Guilt’, we must understand the source, the truth and the lies so we are less likely to experience a downward spiral of pity, pain, anxiety and defeat that often overwhelms mothers. 

Where Did it Come From?

In order to master ‘mom guilt’, I believe the first thing we need to determine is the source  of our guilty feelings. Guilt can begin because the enemy gets us to question ourselves as mothers.  ‘Do you really think your prayers matter?’; ‘You don’t really know what is best for this kid, do you?’; ‘You don’t think that your kids will turn out as well as so-and-so’s, do you?’.  All of these, and more, have roots in the Garden when the serpent said to Eve, “Indeed, has God said, ‘You shall not eat from any tree of the garden’?  It is a tale as old as time, but when we are in the middle of nursing, homework, sports, tantrums, teenagers, etc., it becomes easier to hear the lies of the enemy.  What do we do when these thoughts seem like they are taking over?  We agree with our adversary (Mt. 5:25) using God’s Word.  I like to think that is how Jesus responded to the devil’s temptations in Luke 4.  Jesus is tired, He is hungry, He is lonely (any Mama’s feel that way?) and the enemy boldly strolls up to Jesus, thinking he has him at a vulnerable spot.  Now, I’m going to use some of my own assumptions about how Jesus would respond, but I don’t think it is too much of a stretch.  First, the devil says, “If you are the Son of God, tell this stone to become bread.”  Now, Scriptures may not have this verbatim, but my version of Jesus’ response goes something like, “And Jesus answered him, ‘[Of course I can provide myself with any type of food I need to survive - I was there when Father created it. But,] it is written, mankind shall not live on bread alone.”  BOOM!  Jesus agrees with the devil, but feeds him truth right back.  We can, and must, do this as moms.  

On the days when we feel like our kids may be better served by having someone else as a mom (and if you haven’t felt this way - I pray you never do), what if we agree but slam the devil with what the Truth says?  How about we say, “I may not be the best, but God gave me the assignment of these children for a reason.  God says that, “I have chosen him [her], in order that he may command his children and his household after him to keep the way of the Lord by doing righteousness and justice…” (Gen. 18:19).  Notice that the enemy constructs his lie with just enough truth to make it sound good.   We may not be the best, but we are submitted to the One who is!  

The Comparison Trap

A second, and in some ways more sinister, form of ‘Mom Guilt’ comes from our society’s addiction to comparison.  We have social media constantly showing us all of the perky, pretty, ‘perfect’ lives of other women’s families, homes, etc.  In our flesh, we have a tendency to want to measure up to a standard that the world, with all its failings, puts on us.  We think that in order to be a ‘successful’ mom, we have to : have a full-time corporate job at a Fortune 500 company; live on a farm and milk our own cows while making sourdough and sewing everyone’s clothing; make sure our kids are in the best public school or private school or play an instrument in addition to three sports and church groups.  It is EXHAUSTING!  

Now, none of those things are inherently wrong.  If you have grace (or need for single moms) to work the full-time job - then do it to the best of your ability.  If the Lord has impressed upon you to  homeschool, then do it.  Our goal is Him - nothing else. The problem with comparison is that it is a silent killer.  We don’t, and are not made to, measure up to anyone else’s standard.  We may never say it, but sometimes the thoughts in our head are all comparison-based and it causes us to become very dissatisfied and even angry about our role as moms and then when we feel that way, we feel guilty.  Our standard is Jesus.  When we are doing our best to stay submitted to Him and follow what He says about our children (Lk. 7:15), the comparison trap just isn’t as attractive because we will be secure in knowing we have done our best to follow Jesus as we parent.  

The Truth Trap

I know what you’re thinking…’How can truth be a trap’?  Well, the ugly of it is that sometimes, we DO MESS UP.  There it is.  I said it.  Moms aren’t perfect.  God, who is perfect, found Himself in a scenario where his daughter, Eve, succumbed to the lies of the serpent.  Drink that in for a moment.  GOD.  PERFECT GOD. His child was deceived by the questioning of the enemy.  We absolutely cannot expect that we have the ability, in the natural, to be the ‘perfect’ parent who produces ‘perfect’ children.  The question we have to answer for ourselves is: “Have I made a mistake out of ignorance or willfulness?”  Both will produce guilt, but have different course corrections that must happen in order to remove ‘Mom Guilt’.  As believers, we have the amazing, wonderful gift of repentance.  Romans 2:4b states, “…the kindness of God leads you to repentance.”  Holy Spirit shows us where we were ignorant and it allows us the chance to repent and then learn the right way to approach whatever situation we were unaware of in the beginning.

Mistakes with our children because we just DO NOT KNOW what God says about something cannot be helped.  Because we are not omniscient like our Father God, there are things we do completely out of ignorance.  When we encounter a situation where guilt tries to rear its ugly head after realizing we were ignorant, it is our opportunity to press into the goodness of God and ask Him to change our thinking, our behavior, our responses and reorder our parenting to match up to His truth.  When we do this, guilt is cut off.  

Unfortunately, sometimes we give guilt an open door by deliberately sinning.  Yep, moms have flesh, wrong thinking and unhealed parts of our souls that leave us open to disobedience when we do know better.  “Therefore, to one who knows the right thing to do, and does not do it, to him it is sin.” (James 4:17)  Moms are still in the process of becoming more and more like Jesus every day.  We haven’t arrived.  The good news - WE ARE STILL OFFERED THE GIFT OF REPENTANCE!  We don’t have to continue to make the wrong choices we have made with out children in the past.  For instance, we know that God’s word says, “And, fathers [mothers, too], do not provoke your children to anger; but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.”  (Eph. 6:2)  The thing is, if you have a teen, a toddler or any other age child, you may push their buttons at times just as they push yours.  And you may do it knowingly.  When that happens, the answer is the same as when we are the clueless parent - repent!  Change how you think about the situation, the response, the actions and take them to the foot of the cross, allowing the Holy Spirit to lead you into the grace of God to make different choices in the future.

The Culture Trap

We live in a culture that increasingly diminishes the role of mother in society.  As women, we are told that our career, our bank account, our accomplishments that are acknowledged by man are more important than raising children.  Now, there are women who are not given the grace by God to become mothers.  All that means is that the calling on their life looks different.  Not all women have the same calling or assignment in the Kingdom and that is OKAY!   As I write this, the U.S. is REELING over statements and NFL player, as a Catholic, made at a Catholic university about women and motherhood.  Motherhood has never been so looked down upon in society as it is today.  God knows what our dreams, gifts and vocation should look like as we live in obedience to Him.  Some women have the grace to be a full-time Fortune 500 executive and be a mom.  Some may not.  Some may have the grace to homeschool 8 children.  Some may not.  

As women, we must decide if our lives will be molded to the will of God or the will of the culture.  It is a struggle.  A real struggle.  I’ve been there.  The mom feeling guilty that she only works part-time and doesn’t have the income or the title the cultural elites have said she is supposed to have.  The stay-at-home mom who feels guilty that she isn’t contributing anything worthwhile to the Kingdom by ‘just’ raising Godly children.  The mom who, due to financial pressures, must work full time and feels guilty that she is unable to be a spiritual influence for her children.  The pull to follow society’s formula for success may sometimes be in direct conflict with what the Lord is leading us to do.  This pull can create anger, frustration and a good bit of guilt because we always feel like we aren’t producing something that either God or culture says is important.  It is in these places that we have to seek the Lord for what He says about us.  “And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect.” (Romans 12:2)  Submit your lifestyle, your gifts, your calling and your timing to the Lord and let Him renew your mind to what He says about you and the guilt will just fall away.

What Kind of Guilt?

Guilt, as defined by Webster is: “the fact of having committed a breach of conduct especially violating law and involving a penalty; the state of one who has committed an offense especially consciously; feelings of deserving blame”. When we realize our failings as a mom, do we penalize ourselves or do we allow the penalty to turn our hearts to the One who took the penalty for us?   There is a difference between how we respond to the feelings that guilt produces. One type of guilt is conviction.  Conviction shows us our wrong and ushers us directly to the blood of Jesus so that we can confess , repent and receive forgiveness from our Heavenly Father, and our family when necessary.   Condemnation, however, is another story.  Condemnation is when guilt acts as officer, judge, jury and prosecutor.  The problem is all us.  The solution is out of our hands.  We are just not enough.  We are failures.  Condemnation never stops talking to us about our failures.  Conviction uncovers our failures or wrong thinking/behavior and leads us to Jesus - the solution.  

Yes, ‘Mom Guilt’ is real.  But we don’t have to stay there.  We CANNOT stay there.  The stakes are too great for our families, our communities and the Kingdom.  Don’t allow the Comparison Trap, Culture Trap, or the Truth Trap to steal the precious season of motherhood from you.  Realize the gift you have been given and submit it to the One who will lead and guide you to enjoy and flourish in your calling as a mom.  It is worth it all.

(This is an article I wrote recently for the Women's Ministry Newsletter at our local church)